


Happy Happy Gay Gay

by loupgarou1750 (LoupGarou)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-08-19
Updated: 2005-08-19
Packaged: 2017-11-18 14:59:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/562323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoupGarou/pseuds/loupgarou1750
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fruit-flavoured courting ritual.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Happy Happy Gay Gay

**Author's Note:**

> pure foolishness

“Harry! Tell me I didn’t just hear you say what I think I heard you say!” Ron Weasley cradled his head in his hands.

“Of course I said it. What’s got your knickers in a twist, Ron? It’s not as if this is the first time.”

“But Harry,” Ron moaned. “Snape? Snape? I’d think you’d rather die first.”

“Oh come on. What’s wrong with him?”

Ron’s eyes, currently as red as his hair from prolonged rubbing, threatened to pop out of his head. “What’s wrong with him? What’s wrong with him? Harry, mate, this is Snape we’re talking about. If you rung out his hair you could fry chips in it!”

“You’re exaggerating, Ron.” Harry glanced across the room to where the sour-looking, greasy-haired Potions master sat next to Professor McGonagall. “OK, maybe you could, but what’s that got to do with anything?”

“He’s ugly.”

Harry sighed. “Ron, who did you find me with in the broom shed?”

Ron sighed in turn. “Goyle.”

“And he’s been nominated for Witch Weekly’s Babe of the Week how many times?”

“Zero. But Harry, at least he’s, he’s...Fine! Point taken. You have no taste. But why Snape? Why not...” Ron appeared to be casting around frantically for another name. “Why not Malfoy, for Merlin’s sake? If you have to go for a complete bastard, wouldn’t he do?”

 “Three words, Ron. Needle-dick the bug-fucker.”

“That’s five words.”

Harry rolled his eyes. “Whatever. You get my point I’m sure. He could use a LifeSaver as a cockring.”

Ron’s eyes bugged out again. “I thought you liked them big.”

“Muggle candy, Ron. Not the thing you throw out when there’s a man overboard.” Harry curled his thumb around his forefinger, leaving only a tiny opening. “Like this.”

“Oh. Wow. Pansy’s going to be disappointed, isn’t she?”

“Very.”

“But how do you know Snape’s even happy?”

“Gay,” Harry said absently as he watched Snape eat a banana.

“Gay? Really? I could have sworn it was happy.”

“Trust me on this.”

“Fine. Gay. How do you know he’s gay?”

Harry momentarily took his eyes off Snape and looked at Ron with exasperation.  “Who told you about the twins?”

“You did.”

Harry went back to watching Snape, who, finished with his banana, was now licking his fingers.  “Who told you about Bill?”

“You did.”

“Who told you about Charlie.”

“You did.”

“Who told you about Percy.”

“Here now! I’m not a complete dunderhead. Even I knew about Percy! Way before you said anything.”

“Who told you about Ginny.”

“Nobody. GINNY! GINNY! Are you telling me my little sister is HAPPY?”

Harry grinned.  “Whoops. I guess I forgot to tell you. And it’s ‘gay’, Ron. Gay. Not happy. Gay.”

“I don’t see how it makes any difference. Happy. Gay. Ecstatic. It’s all the same thing. Pervs, every last one of you.”

“I know it must be hard being the only morose person in your family, Ron, but...”

“Morose? The opposite of gay is morose? You call normal people morose?”

“It was a joke, Ron. Get it? No, we call normal people straight.”

“Hah! Well, if I’m straight then all of you are bent.” Ron laughed.

“Exactly.”

Ron looked confused and then shrugged his shoulders irritably. “We’re off the topic.”

“Are we?”

“Yes. Snape. How can you tell and how could you be interested?”

“We have radar."  At Ron's confused look Harry explained further, "We can just tell, all right?"  He went back to watching Snape.  "Have you ever looked at his hands?” Harry asked dreamily.

“Yes! They’re yellow. Yellow, Harry!”

“Oh. Yeah, you’re right, but who’d notice in the dark? I meant have you ever noticed how long his fingers are?”

“You’re giving me images I really don’t want.”

“And his hands are really big. Big hands. Long fingers. Think about it, Ron.”

“I. Don’t. Want. To. Think. About. It. I’d pay a hundred galleons, if I had a hundred galleons, to never think about it.”

“And his nose. You know what they say about...”

Harry’s thought was interrupted by Ron’s repeated clapping of his hands over his ears. “I can’t hear you. I can’t hear you. I can’t hear you.”

“C’mon, Ron. Look at the way he ate that banana. I mean, he didn't so much _eat_ it as–“

“You’re being disgusting, Harry,” Hermione said primly.

“Not half so disgusting as I’d like to be. Ron, hand me a banana.”

“No! Absolutely not! I’m not participating in this!”

“Fine,” Harry said, reaching across the table for the bowl of fruit. He took a banana and slowly peeled it, never taking his eyes off Snape. Nervousness made his chest tight but he soldiered on, nibbling gently at the end.

Suddenly, to Harry’s delight and horror, Snape looked up. His eyes glittered like the black carapace of a scarab as he made eye contact with Harry, watching intently as Harry continued bravely molesting his piece of fruit. A sardonic smile played across his lips. He said something to McGonagall, who smiled and handed him another banana.

Still watching Harry, whose impulse to drown in the cold blackness of Snape’s eyes was mitigated only by his desire to watch those thin lips slide down the stalk of fruit, Snape very delicately peeled back the heavy skin protecting the creamy white flesh. While Harry looked on in an agony of impatience and lust, Snape pushed the banana into his mouth until half of it had disappeared. Shockingly, he winked at Harry and then bit down, amputating the banana near the base and chewing heartily, his sunken cheeks distended.

Harry swallowed hard as the half of the Gryffindor table that had been watching the silent drama erupted in laughter. Ron’s face was bright red as he guffawed loudly, pounding his fists on the table. Even Hermione couldn’t keep a smile from curling the corners of her mouth.

Harry looked at them sourly. “I guess a boy’s only true friend is his own broomstick. I think I’ll go flying.” 

~end~


End file.
